


Alive

by seriouslyjustsam



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Depressed Draco Malfoy, Draco is basically a very sad boy in a bad situation, Gay, Good Draco Malfoy, M/M, Redeemed Draco Malfoy, Suicidal Draco Malfoy, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2019-06-15 23:27:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15423981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seriouslyjustsam/pseuds/seriouslyjustsam
Summary: Basically Draco meeting and falling for Harry while also being forced to help Voldemort and slowly falling into depression.This fic includes real scenes from the movies as well as ones added by yours truly for effect and an alternate ending.





	Alive

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic on this site as well as my fist fic using song lyrics to tell the story better. The song is Suicidal Thoughts by Josh A & Jake Hill and I suggest listening to it while reading for some extra flavor. Plus its an amazing song. Also, I started the lyrics in the fic in the second verse just a fyi.

_I’m not suicidal, I don’t wanna fucking die_

* * *

 

 

“It’s true then? The saying on the train that Harry Potter has come to Hogwarts?” The small blonde boy smiled slightly before tilting his head towards two boys aside him. “This is Crabbe and Goyle. And I’m Malfoy.”

The dark haired wizard watched in slight confusion as the other boy pushed away from where he was leaning and approaching him. He found himself face-to-face with said blonde.

“Draco Malfoy.”

There was a laugh from aside Harry and Draco looked towards the redhead next to the boy who lived. “Think my name is funny, do you? No need to ask for yours. Red hair...and a hand-me-down robe,” he looked over the other with a disgusted look on his face. “You must be a Weasley.”

The Weasley boy looked down, almost in shame and Harry’s eyes hardened as the stuck-up blonde boy turned back towards him. “You’ll soon find out that some wizard of families are better than others, Potter. You don’t want to go making friends with the wrong sort,” he landed a hard look on the redhead before returning it to the dark haired boy again. “I can help you there.”

Draco held out his hand with a small smirk.

Potter stared down at the hand for a moment, and for a brief second, felt almost gravitated to grab hold of it. For what reason? None, that he could think of.

Still, he looked back at the Malfoy boy again. “I think I can tell the wrong sort for myself, thanks.”

The look in Draco’s eyes was almost sad and definitely confused before Professor McGonagall tapped him on the shoulder with a bundle of papers and ripped his eyes away from the green ones meeting his.

* * *

 

 

_I just wanna be able to close my eyes and feel alright_

* * *

“Bet you loved that, didn’t you, _Potter_?”

Harry gaped in confusion as Draco Malfoy rounded down a set of stairs to stand in front of him. “Famous Harry _Potter_. Can’t even go to a bookstore without making the front page!” He sneered, but Harry still didn’t respond, still befuddled by the blonde’s sudden appearance.

“Leave him alone.”

Draco looked down to see a young Weasley girl glaring at him. He returned his eyes to Harry. “Oh look, Potter. You got yourself a girlfriend.” And somehow, that angered him. Still, he smiled at his own joke until the handle of his father’s wand came down on his shoulder just a bit too hard and he backed away, annoyed.

He watched the interaction between Lucius and Harry until his father grabbed Harry to observe his scar. He felt something, but didn’t know what. Some sort of fear—or urgency. He wanted to shove the Potter boy away from his father—very far.

But why? Harry was too young to ever harm his father. It didn’t make sense.

He was almost thankful when Harry pulled away himself. “He was nothing more than a murderer.”

His father spoke a bit more until Hermione spoke up and his eyes were turned toward him. “Miss Granger…?” He nodded meekly. “Yes, Draco’s told me all about you. And your parents.”

Draco honestly couldn’t recall if he had or not.

It was hard to speak to his father, so when exactly could he have done that?

* * *

_But everyday I feel like dying_

* * *

 

 

“You are to pledge yourself to Voldemort as I have, so you hear, Draco?”

_But he killed...Harry’s parents. And so many innocents, father_.

He nodded affirmatively. “Yes, father.”

* * *

_Everyday I feel like dying…._

* * *

“Wait until my father hears that Dumbledore’s got this _oaf_ teaching classes.”

A few strings of laughed followed Draco’s rude comments.

“Shut up, Malfoy.”

Draco turned his head back to meet eyes with Harry again, looking almost impressed before laughing with his “friends”. He grinned before taking his bag off his shoulder and handing it to one of them before striding forward, oozing confidence. Confidence even he knew he didn’t have.

He looked Harry Potter up and down before looking frighteningly off in the sky above him. “Dementor, Dementor!”

Harry’s eyes shot with fear and he and everyone else turned to look in fear, but nothing was there. Of course.

Draco and his friend laughed in unison again, praising him for scaring the boy who lived. But honestly, what was the point of that?

He and a few other Slytherins pulled up their hoods and made “ghost” sounds while shaking their fingers at them like a bunch of bloody idiots. And that was their own leader’s opinion.

Harry was hastily pulled away by Hermione, which left Draco only a bit more than bothered. Who gave her the right….

* * *

_One too many bad thoughts inside me, got a hole in my heart, put the past behind me_

* * *

 

 

Draco frowned as Harry landed and was cheered on for riding the beast known as Buckbeak. He sneered, feeling the need to prove something, which was strange. The only time he ever felt that need was with his father. Not that impressing his father was something possible.

So why not impress Harry Potter, the boy who hates your guts?

Perhaps a less than intelligent thought but Slytherins were always known to act before thinking.

“Oh, please!” He shoved off where he sat and a few people out of the way as he approached Buckbeak.

“Yes...you’re not dangerous at all, are you. Great, ugly brute.”

Hagrid tried in vain to warn him before that confident smirk was wiped right off his face and Buckbeak shoved him to the ground.

What kind of karma….

* * *

_I’m pressed with time, I’m stressed with life, my breath is ice_

* * *

_“_ Father...is there...really a point?” Draco stood at the entrance of his father’s open office with his hands fidgeting in front of him.

The elder Malfoy looked up, disinterested. “To what, exactly, Draco?”

_To following Voldemort? To hating Harry Potter? To life itself?_

“T-to, um, to work so late,” he managed, face turning white. His father would kill him if he asked anything absurd like that. “I-it’s not healthy.”

Lucius rolled his eyes and looked back down at his work, not even bothering to reply.

Draco let his eyes fall to the ground and slid back into the hallway.

* * *

_I guess I might just bottle it up some more just like always_

* * *

“Does Draco seem...lost?”

 

Ron gave Hermione a look of confusion before looking over to see Draco walking alone in the hall. It was a rare sight, but not one he cared about either way. “Maybe he’s looking for his damn heart, that damn….” Ron trailed off before he said something awful.

* * *

_Barely standing, crawling down the hallways_

* * *

“Why so tense, Potter?”

Draco sat up on a tree with a shit-eating fake ass grin.

“My father and I have a bet, you see. I don’t think you’re gonna last ten minutes in this tournament,” he hopped down from the tree. He almost found his own words humorous. Him? Speak to his father? Not very likely. “His disagrees. He thinks you won’t last five.”

_It’s dangerous. Drop out. I’m begging you to just agree with me this time. Just once, Harry. Don’t try to get yourself killed._

“I don’t give a damn what your father _thinks_ , Malfoy!” Draco grunted as Harry shoved him back and a look of anger and betrayal passed his face.

_Why? Why can’t you listen to me? Don’t you see I’m helping? Why can’t you see!_

“He’s vile and cruel. And you’re pathetic.”

_I know._

“Pathetic….”

He pulled out his wand bluffingly before he was turned into a ferret.

Karma strikes again.

* * *

_Sink into my bed, with death inside my head…._

* * *

Draco watched, jaw slack, as Harry Potter sobbed over his friend’s dead body. Did no one notice yet? People were still cheering.

He elbowed one of his friends before shakily pointing to looked closer to see that Cedric was indeed dead.

Harry was in hysterics and Draco wanted to help. But how? He would blow his whole facade and Harry Potter hated him. Plus, he was pushing Dumbledore away, so he had no chance.

“He’s back! He’s back! Voldemort’s back!”

And like that, Draco’s blood ran cold.

* * *

_That note you found I didn’t mean it, just wish I had a better sense of meaning_

* * *

To pledge yourself to a dead man...was meaningless. But to pledge yourself to the now very alive Lord Voldemort that tried to kill Harry Potter countless times?

It hurt.

And to learn your father was a first-hand part in all of it? And wanted you to help?

It kinda made you want to die.

That is, at least, if you are Draco Malfoy, who had an insatiable addiction to wanting to keep Harry Potter safe but never could.

* * *

_Never meant to let you down, I’ve been down now racing thoughts had to drown them out_

* * *

Draco sobbed pathetically as he slowly felt life leaving him.

_Please_.

He could see Harry staring at him helplessly and lost.

_Please, just let me. For you, let me._

But Snape ruined that.

He didn’t save Draco’s life that night—only destroyed his hope for death.

* * *

_Never giving in I swear to God, no matter how many times I pray to a God, I don’t believe in just to see if I will never wake up, But he called my bluff_

* * *

_“_ Draco, you are no assassin.”

“How do you know what I am! I’ve done things that would shock you!”

It was a blur. All of it. He was speaking, but what was he even saying? He was scared. He didn’t want to kill anyone, but there was no choice.

“Please let me help you.”

“I don’t want your help!” He was crying, as always. “Don’t you understand? I have to do this. I have to kill you. Or he’s gonna kill me….”

In the end, it was Snape that did the dirty work, but it was Draco that killed him. Cornered him like he was an animal and made him scared.

He was just glad that...Harry hadn’t seen it.

* * *

_Try to free my mind, I don’t know what’s right_

 

_Wasting all my time, trying to find the light,_

 

_Try to free my mind, I don’t know what’s right_

 

_Wasting all my time, trying to find the light_

 

* * *

_“_ Draco!”

He ignored his father. How could he go to the man that laughed when he heard that Harry Potter, the boy who lived, was dead. Why was he so cruel? What was wrong with him.

So he stayed.

He stayed and vowed...never to leave Harry’s side, even figuratively and in death. No matter how much the boy hated him.

* * *

_I’ll be out here running, I’ll be running from myself now_

* * *

Harry rolled out of Hagrid’s arms the moment Neville drew his sword.

Draco faltered, but only for a moment before bolting towards him. “Potter!”

* * *

_Gunning demons down, Find my way out of this cell now_

* * *

Harry almost looked frightened until Draco threw his wand at him and he caught it flawlessly before casting at Voldemort and running.

Draco took off himself, hiding in the crowd of students and shoving past them in fear for not only Harry’s life, but his own.

* * *

_I’ll be running now, I’ll be running from myself now_

 

_Gunning demons down, Find my way out of this cell now_

* * *

“You saved my life, you know.”

Draco looked up in shock to see Harry standing in front of him.

“You saved everyone, in all technicality.”

The youngest Malfoy shook his head. “I’m one of the reasons we were in that situation, Potter.”

“Yes,” Harry sighed as he took a seat side the blonde. “But you helped fix it. Not everything can be mended...but you did prove one thing.”

* * *

_I’m not suicidal I don’t wanna fucking die_

* * *

_“_ Oh yeah,” Draco laughed humorlessly. “What’s that? That I can make my entire family all leave me in one day?”

“No, Draco.”

_Draco_.

He wasn’t sure he ever liked that name until it came from those lips.

* * *

_I just wanna be able to close my eyes and feel alright_

* * *

“You proved that you are not a bad guy,” Harry laid a hand on the Malfoy’s shoulder, causing him to flinch slightly but stay put otherwise aside from the butterflies in his chest and head. “You’re just...a bit of an asshole who was surrounded by evil people.”

Draco blinked slowly before looking up to meet those large green eyes. He heard that they matched his mothers, but he couldn’t imagine them being as beautiful as the ones right in front of him now.

* * *

_But everyday I feel like dying_

* * *

“Well, come along then,” Harry stood up and held a hand out towards the blonde.

Draco stared at it for a few seconds before giving him a questioning look. “Pardon…?”

Harry smiled slightly. “Well, I figured I should re-introduce you to Ron and Hermione. Maybe you’ll be able to be acquainted better now that you’ve saved my life. Maybe,” he pulled Draco up and began pulling him along while still looking back with a grin. “Ron is Ron, after all. And you’re still Malfoy.”

* * *

_Everyday I feel like dying_ ….

* * *

“I still hate you…,” Ron sneered at Draco and Hermione elbowed him. “But! Jeez, woman, let me speak! But…you did help Harry and...I guess...thanks, and all that...jazz.”

Draco didn’t really know what to do. Harry’s hand was still clasped around his and now he was being told thanks by a Weasley. “Um...it’s no problem. I’m sorry for...existing for the past few years.”

“Existing?” Hermione giggled.

“Yes. If I didn’t...exist, I guess, I wouldn’t have made your lives hell or...help my father with his deeds.”

“There’s no need for that, mate!” Ron rolled his eyes. “Without you, Harry would be dead.”

* * *

_I’m not suicidal, I don’t wanna fucking die_

 

_Just wanna be able to close my eyes, and feel alright_

 

_But everyday I feel like dying_

 

_Everyday I feel like dying…._

* * *

_“_ He...would….”

He looked pained, and it was obvious by the way his face screwed up and how his face grasped onto Harry’s harder, even using his other hand to just make sure he was really there.

Hardy nodded and patted Draco’s and his joined hands with his open one. When it came in contact, Draco immediately grasped that one as well before crumbling to his knees and pressing his forehead against Harry’s hands while sobbing.

“I’m sorry…!” He brought in a shaker breath desperately. “I’m sorry for making your life hell…!”

Harry blinked before slowly slinking I’m in front of Draco on his knees. “We’ll work on you making it up to me, but honestly, Draco, you saving me was already a huge step as it was. Please stop crying.”

He couldn’t. And he didn’t.

And yet the boy who lived just stayed with him, patting his back until half the liquid in his body was practically cried out.

 

And, for once in his life, Draco Malfoy didn’t regret living.


End file.
